Blueprints for Clockwork Angels

So I get everything I want. But I don't even know who I am any more.

I don't know when it started, I only know when it ended. She said a word, she waved her hand and it was gone, and I'd never even known that it was there.

I remember the man I was when I was in school, when I first made friends with Sharolt.

When did it change? Did it happen when I was with him? Did it happen because I was with him, because I let him convince me to do those things...?

(it wasn't as difficult for him as it should have been)

Did it happen because I betrayed her?

(that should have been more difficult, too)

I'd like to say I don't know how many people I've killed, but the truth is that I know exactly how many people I killed. And what I got for it.

Viresh...loves that about me. Loves me for killing his father. (And maybe I can't repent that one.) Does he even love me, or does he just love...that?

I get to work with Gardiner and save the world. But how do I save my soul? Do I even still have one? I've just exchanged one demon for another. She thanked me for making it easier on him. Because she knows that even if he doesn't really love me...I'd still protect him.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have

For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?

I must have covered twenty or thirty pages with notes about what we did the other night but I haven't heard back from Gardiner. They kept Viresh late at work yesterday and they're keeping him late there again. It's their pathetic petty vengeance and I've really had it with those petty, petty people.

I don't know what the War Bureau wants but surely they have to understand that they need me. And that if I wanted to bring them down all I had to do the other night was nothing. If they don't understand that then maybe they don't deserve this. Luckily for them, I don't work because I think people deserve it, I work because the work is there to be done and there's nothing else I enjoy as much. Or wasn't, before Viresh. I think I will go back down there and see if it isn't time for Viresh to come home after all.

Maybe Rosier will get smart with me again. I think I'd like that actually. I hate hearing him say those things to Viresh. But I can't not be thrilled at the way Viresh reacts when I hurt that bastard. And I want to hurt something right now, it's singing inside me like...murder.

I wish I could talk to Sharolt, I wish I could tell her I'm sorry, I wish I knew where she was, now that she's free. I wish I could see Teresa. She's safer with the Palestinian than she is with me. Sharolt and I could fix this thing in Viresh so easily. Sharolt and I could fix lots of things. She would never have misunderstood me like Gardiner did.

I don't know what to do. I wanted to make him one of us. He's broken. I can fix it. But if I fix it...then I can't have it. Or if I have it, then I can't have...I can imagine the world without him.

I just don't want to.

I was told once that something like this could never be love. But she said she loved me, and this is so much better than that.

Teresa's in trouble. Really big trouble. First there was the man who could go through walls. Now I can do that.

Then there was the letter. Then there was the woman who looked and sounded like Teresa, but didn't move the way Teresa does, and when she kissed my forehead she reminded me of...

her.

I think the one I saw that other man marching along through the Alley was really her.

I don't know quite why I care, or what I'm going to do about this. But I could have a lot of fun with these people who've decided to mess up her life, if I chose to. But Patil's son is so beautiful...

I could do anything I wanted to do.

All the gods men have made are broken and none of them work. The universe itself is really god, and understanding it is godliness. The engines and artifices of heaven are right here. If you could become one with them, you would never sin again, because anything you wanted to do would be what you were meant to do.

I want to do what I am meant to do.

I'm not sure I believe that the Kingdom was meant to be peaceable.

If there is anything I need to be forgiven for, it's forgetting who I am and what I'm meant to do. But that won't happen again.

I'm not asking anyone's forgiveness ever again. Today has been the most amazing day. I can walk through walls now. I am having a grand time at Senhora Silveira's salon. We have had many drinks together. She doesn't believe that the man who was bothering her won't come back, but she's really glad that he's gone. She says I can come here whenever I want if I will just go with her tomorrow to help her pay off some money she owes someone. But Raphael Trevelyan has lots of money, so I gave her some, anyway. She seemed to be very happy about that. I am fairly sure that Senhora Silveira thinks I am special. So do several delightful young men who work for her.

However, today when I was taking care of Senhora Silveira's problem, I happened to go down a street where there were some very nice houses. I was sure I saw Leela Patil there. She was arguing with someone who must have been the old man's son. It was something of a surprise, because I keep forgetting that even though he lived in India most of his life, he spent the last few years of it right here in Londinium, trying to convince the British government that he wasn't making all of it up.

The old man's son was very pretty. I know he isn't very special, because that would definitely have been in the book. I wonder if I could get away with that. That would be very amusing. He didn't come to Switzerland with his father. Leela Patil would recognise me, but I don't think her stepson talks to her much. I'm definitely going to have to look him up.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I

I'm a Cornishman now. It's amusing.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have

Niccolò continues to insist upon defiling himself with the howling things that sing to him in the outer darkness. He does not understand that we are better angels than the ones who fell before.

They have made me many promises, but only a few have been kept. As usual, I find that I must do what is most important myself, or else I will lose my way in the midst of these foolish pleasures. Niccolò does not understand the true nature of our work, which is the repair of the world and the cleansing of the unfit. He amuses himself with those he believes to be our kindred, who are debased and fit only to serve.

The old man I broke in Lausanne had a son, and that which I long have thought lost may be found. Gregor will understand, when I find what I am looking for, that there is more to be gained from this than from any hundred of Niccolò’s demons. Those who are inferior must be subsumed and so redeemed, that we may yet become the angels we were meant to be.

This is an old argument. I fear that as with so many other things, Niccolò kills solely for the pleasure of it.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have

Niccolò is playing with the demons again. I don’t see the use of it. This is not going to win the war. This is not going to make him more powerful. The girl has gone out of the country. Evola promised her to me.